Cruel Kisses
by kangaroo
Summary: Sirius arrives at Remus’ during Harry’s 5th year after some mission for Dumbledore, but he’s not in the best of shapes. Harry comes for a visit too, and there's general happiness. Until one day...


kangaroo is pushed roughly into all, bright white room by friend. Hugs self and look around nervously

Er, hi. Sorry! I know it took ages for me to get this lot sorted, but yeah, here you are. Some of you (about 2) may know this story as Life is Cruel, it has changed to Cruel Kisses and there are minimal changes to the first chapter.

I am open too all suggestions as always, so please review and offer them, as well as your opinions or general chit chat. Whatever you like, but please, please review. You get a reply to every review, even if its only a mention and they will appear at the end of the chapter (so anyone not wanting to read them can skip straight over to the review button (please). I'll try and keep the authors notes to a minimum and they will appear at the top. Warning will also be included at the top. That's it from me…on with the story.

Warnings - No slash as of yet, depends on what y'all want. Rating is for language. PLEASE REVIEW.

Please make suggestions about what you would like to see happen.

Summary- Sirius arrives at Remus' during Harry's 5th year after some mission for Dumbledore, but he's not in the best of shapes. Harry comes for a visit and there's plenty of happy moments, and angst and drama mixed in. Harry, Sirius and Remus' adventures, the ride may not be smooth, but I hope it's entertaining for you.

**Cruel Kisses**

**Chapter 1 – In Which There Are Letters and Arrivals **

Sitting his tiny, slightly dilapidated cottage on the moors, Remus Lupin sighed as he read the letters he had received from his only remaining best friend.

Some of the letters were apologetic, some were angry. Not towards Remus, more towards the world that had so royally screwed them both over. Some were reminiscent for the old times, depressed in that two of his best friends were dead and that one of them was a traitor. Some, Remus thought, could be considered 'happy' but in truth they didn't really have a mood at all, just a form of communication, informing Remus of how he was.

The last one he had received was clearly bitter and resentful.

_Dear Remus,_

_I'm sorry that I haven't written for a while, but I have stayed safely hidden where there is little access to parchment._

_As I said, I am hidden and no one has seen me at all for a while, but, I thought I would write and make sure you are okay? Full moon last night, I know, did it go alright? Yes, I know. You've done it alone for the last 13 years but, still, Moony must miss Padfoot and Prongs. I howled at the moon for you last night, just like old times._

_Anyway, I am as fine as can be expected, what with the small dilemma of the fugitive issue. Apologies for not writing again, but what was I supposed to say? "Dear Remus, Last night I used a rat as a pillow. Ate it for breakfast. Tasted crap." Would have been worth it if it had been that evil, conniving bastard, Wormtail._

_I really don't have much to say but know that I miss my old mate Moony and am hoping the wolf wasn't vicious last night._

_Mates forever, _

_Sirius._

This was the last he had heard from Sirius. Almost a month ago. He could understand that sometimes Sirius could not write for a week, maybe two, at a time, but a month! He had received no reply when he wrote back to Sirius. His own letter had consisted much of the same as Sirius' had but without the rat details. Maybe Sirius had felt the need for descriptions of rat entrails.

That letter was weeks ago though and now Remus was beginning to think something had gone extremely pear-shaped. He was undeniably worried for Sirius. He had been desperate enough last night to write to Harry and ask if he had received anything from Sirius recently. Negative response to that anyway. He was pleased that Harry had asked him to write more often though, and surprised that Harry seemed to be awake and willing to write a letter at three in the morning. He, himself, had finally managed to fall asleep, after reading the response, promising himself he would talk to Dumbledore in the morning. That man seemed to know everything and everything must surely include Sirius' condition, if not his whereabouts.

When he awoke in the morning, his first thought was to the full moon that would rise that night. He could already feel its pull, as it was waxing far above him. The approaching full moon tended to allow his thoughts to wander more than was usual for him and so as he lay, his mind drifted to Sirius and what the man had been through.

Sirius had spent 12 years in Azkaban. How could anyone survive that? How did Sirius survive? Not that he came out unscathed. Although his mind was relatively unharmed, perhaps distorted and slightly warped more than it had been, his health had been somewhat more permanently affected. Thinking back to the last time he had seen Sirius, Remus let his thoughts drift and his tea go cold.

The pair of friends had written to each other since their parting in the Shrieking Shack, and after that first hug, things between them had been instantly comfortable and familiar. Perhaps it was the familiarity and love that each provided to the other after so many years alone. Perhaps it was the insufferable loneliness both had had to suffer and now the desperation for something of the old times. Perhaps the heart forgave and forgot much more quickly than one would have expected.

Time for Sirius hadn't really been an issue. Despite popular belief, he had few lucid moments during his incarceration. The majority of the first years spent in disbelieving silence, the later years in hopeless desperation and the final years in a manic obsession with Peter Pettigrew. The lucid moments- some he could barely remember, some with startling clarity, were irregular, sporadic. So for Sirius, time was immeasurable. He barely noticed its passing, waking one moment, sometimes trying to note the year on the wall, and unconscious or sleeping or delirious the next. Most of the time, after the first few painful years, he had been in Padfoot form, which had helped dull the effects of the Dementors, therefore his mind hadn't been plagued with torturous memories as often as most. His mind still suffered though, insecurities, phobias and irrationalities built up.

_Most people never even saw Azkaban, much less felt it, but feared by reputation alone. Anyone who did see it, Dementors or no, could be expected to be haunted by nightmares and terrors for weeks, by the stark, echoing stone halls, the freezing, ghostly cells. That's what most people remembered, the cold. As did Sirius._

_For Remus on the other hand, time had crawled, had stopped sometimes. By far the fastest, maybe even happiest year, had been his final one alone…his stint at Hogwarts. But he was haunted by the memory of Sirius, torn by guilt, but the memories tended to be almost welcome, in a twisted sort of way. The way Harry allowed himself to hear his own parents' death screams for the familiarity and connection. Remus allowed himself to rejoice in the happy memories, ignore the accusing ones and try to once again convince himself Sirius was guilty, like the doctors had told him to. The years before that he remembered, but it was mostly a blur, like Sirius, he didn't know one year from the next, realising just in time dates that mattered to him, Halloween- on which he cried and screamed, for the loss of James and Lily, for estrangement of Harry, the conviction or Sirius, the apparent death of Peter; Christmas- on which he bought Harry's presents and told himself what he would of bought everyone else. Sirius birthday- which he tried to sleep away, unable to deal with conflicting voices in his head. James birthday- on which he smiled, remembered and visited James grave to pay his respect. Lily's birthday- on which he cooked to honour her marvellous creations, and visited her grave, sitting in deathly, infinite company with James. Harry's birthday-on which he smiled wistfully and bought a gift to put in the cupboard and said a pray for the health of his missing godson, for Harry had indeed been named his godson, unofficially, ministry laws being what they were. But, unlike for Sirius, time crawled by. _

Remus woke from his reverie when he absently took a sip if his tea, which was by now cold as stone. His thoughts of Sirius reminded him to speak to Dumbledore.

After making himself look presentable with several cups of tea and squirting himself in the face with freezing cold water, he knelt by the fireplace and, with a pinch of floo powder said clearly, "Albus Dumbledore!"

Said person's head appeared in a matter of seconds. "Remus, you wished to speak with me I assume?" said the head. Dumbledore's long beard lay folded in the ashes of the fire as it was that long.

"Yes Professor, are you busy?" Remus asked politely.

"No. Not at the moment. Care to join me for breakfast?"

"Thanks, I'll be right there." Remus stepped into the fire as soon as his former headmaster's head disappeared.

At the other end, he stepped into an ornately decorated room and came face to face with Albus Dumbledore.

"Take a seat." He said, indicating a small table surrounded by the squashy chintz armchairs that the wizard seemed to prefer.

Remus sat down and, after dealing with the pleasantries that always came with civilized conversation, explained to Dumbledore why he came.

"Have you heard anything from Sirius? He hasn't spoken to me nor Harry for at least a month, and will normally at least send a note or something to one of us so we know he's alright." Remus explained, hoping that Dumbledore would explain the problem and Padfoot would bound out of the shadows.

"Ah. Harry has, in fact, beaten you to it. He came to see me last night. That boy has an uncanny ability to guess my passwords. He told me more or less what you have, and I told him mostly less than I am going to tell you." He paused and Remus sat quite still, patiently waiting expectantly for the answer to his question.

"All I know is that Sirius is in the country; has been for a month or two I believe. He told me because he wanted to know if it would be possible for Harry and himself to meet. I said no, for fear that it was too risky for Sirius, and anywhere safe for Sirius would be too dangerous for Harry. Both took the news hard, but I think they understand. Sirius told me that he would be heading your way; I would have thought that he should have arrived by now." Dumbledore looked piercingly at Remus, although the effect was spoiled somewhat by the icing sugar that clung to his moustache.

"I haven't seen or heard from him since the last full moon." Remus said again, a bad feeling rising menacingly inside him.

"Ahh, well I expect that he was held up by something. If you do not hear form him in a week then we must begin to look for him. Do you live near any woods?" The older man replied.

"Yeah, there is a large wood behind my house. I live on the moors. No one can bother me up there." Remus told him.

"The full moon is tonight, is it not?" Remus nodded. "I suggest that you search the woods, if it's safe. Sirius might be hiding, injured, there. Although I suggest not today, the moon already seems to be affecting you. I am sure Madam Pomfrey would like to see you again, you two always got on rather well, didn't you?" Dumbledore looked sympathetically at Remus' shadowed eyes and pallor.

"Thank you sir, I'll check the woods. Unfortunately for me, the moon seems to be having a bad effect on me today. I think it might be a blue moon or something. I'm OK, but I will pay Madam Pomfrey a friendly visit. I haven't talked to her much since last year. I'll see you soon Professor." Remus refused to call Dumbledore anything but 'Professor' or 'sir', even though he was no longer his professor and he had asked Remus to call him Albus.

Remus wandered down the familiar corridors with the intention of making his way down to the infirmary. It was quiet as it was only about 8 am. As he wandered past the entrance hall he walked smack into a body. From his position on the floor he looked over his knees to stare straight into Lily Potter's eyes. Mentally smacking himself he picked himself up off the floor and proceeded to pull Harry Potter up. He was slightly more used to looking at a 13 year-old James' in possession of Lily's eyes now than he was that first time on the Hogwarts Express. If it hadn't been for the Dementor looming over Harry he would have passed out himself from the shock.

"Sorry Remus! Gotta go get my broom, Quidditch practice!" He explained quickly. He had stopped calling him Professor Lupin at his request, he said it made him feel old and too…unfun. Besides that, and as he had told Harry, "Whenever I hear that, I hear one of us whining at Professor McGonagall, that 'no…why ever would we want to steal a toilet seat'." This had been on one of Remus', growing more regular, visits to the castle and Harry had been indisposed to laughter for several minutes at the time.

"Mind if I watch a bit later?" Remus thought it would take his mind off the Sirius situation. Besides, he would like to see Harry play without something horrific, like the Dementors showing up, happening.

"I'd love you to come, see you later!" He shouted, already running up to his dorm.

Remus carried on his wandering and eventually ended up at the infirmary. He found Madam Pomfrey making up Pepper-Up potion-ughh, he hated it-and resisted the impulse to sneak up on her. The two shared a long discussion about the past and catching up. On Remus' part he couldn't tell her too much as he didn't know how much she knew about what had been happening. And on her part, he ended up downing several potions she insisted he needed.

As promised, he made his way down to the Quidditch Pitch and had an enjoyable afternoon watching Harry play. Unfortunately it didn't really take his mind off Sirius as the pair of them, and James of course, used play when they were at Hogwarts.

It was nearly four by the time he apparated home from Hogsmeade. Unable to really do much more, he locked himself in the cellar. He prepared himself for the moon to rise, his worry for Sirius didn't help his cause as far as the wolf was concerned, because it just aggravated him and made his Change all the worse. So Remus howled away his pain, and hoped, somewhere, Padfoot was howling with him.


End file.
